I like cooking, and I like eating, but this dude might be ruining the whole notion of food simply by inserting himself into it. Is there anything less appetizing than Spiky McRazorburn up there serving up acely retarded interpretations of bro-sine (chicken wings, pad thai, burgers) on his blissfully stupid Guy’s Big Bite? How about image after image of Bleachblonde McChinpubes getting pieces of meat stuck in his goatee as he chows down on grotesque horror-show extreme diner fare on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives? Say what you will about Rachael Ray, Sandra Lee, Tyler Florence, or Paula Deen (whom I’ve begrudgingly grown to admire - her singlehanded mission to kill American eaters, as chronicled here, is among the most creative acts of attempted murder in human history) - none make me angrier than Guy Fieri, Season 2 Winner of The Next Food Network Star and the only one of that show’s winners to really make any impact on network programming.

But if we’re gonna convict this dude of assholism, let’s set up the counts:

1) This is an actual restaurant owned by Fieri:

2) This quote, from Anthony Bourdain, which blows my mind with its incisive no-bullshit understanding of the marketing concerns that underlines Food Network’s decision to devote 12 hours of its programming a week to this guy:

Watching that very public and very painful process of “figuring out” has provided some pretty hilariously embarrassing viewing over the past year of declining audience share for Food Net (Down 36,000 total day ratings and 15% for its weekend bloc according to the Times). There’s last year’s Great Hope, Guy Fieri, who reminds me of the “Poochie” character in the classic Simpson’s episode where it is decided that Itchy and Scratchy need a “hip, in-your-face, pro-active” new sidekick to bring in a younger demographic. Poochie (and seemingly Guy) is created by committee and an assemblage of compiled stats from focus groups: “Twenty percent more rasta” “needs more surfer.”

The sad thing is that pure saturation, as well as item #3, seem to indicate that Fieri is taking with audiences.

3) Fieri, who champions locally-owned restaurants on his television series, nonetheless shills for the sort of category-killing casual-dining chains that have made the locally owned diner a rarity in most American communities:

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