My Five Year Plan

Dear B,

Hey there. So, it’s good to see your solo career is still going well. As much as I love “Crazy in Love,” I think “Ring the Alarm” might be my favorite single from you yet. But that’s not why I’m writing. I’ve waited to see if anyone else was going to point this out, but since no one has, it’s about time for someone to question your choice of title and your understanding of punctuation.

B’Day.

Okay, so I’m confused as to how this is supposed to be pronounced. Is it ‘bee-day’? Like birthday? Or, Beyonce Day? That sounds like a fun day! That’s my first instinct, but that apostrophe just bothers me. The common shorthand for ‘birthday’ is ‘b-day,’ the hyphen thus putting enough distance between the two separate parts of the word to denote two entirely distinct syllables, with a fully-formed vowel after the ‘b.’

But that’s not what you have here. You’ve got that apostrophe. The closest thing I can find to the word ‘B’day,’ then, is ‘G’day,’ which is how Australians greet each other. Spelled out, this means ‘Good day.’ Are we to take your ‘B’Day’ to mean ‘Bad day?’ Given the lyrical and musical tone of your most recent single and the dazed, almost catatonic expression on your face on the cover, I could believe this. Is the title a reaction to your reported disapproval of the professional relationship between Jay-Z and Rihanna? If so, don’t worry! She’s got nothing on you - I hear she’s so stupid that her publicist won’t allow her to be interviewed for fear that interviewers will legitimately believe she is retarded (really). Doesn’t sound like much competition.

One final thought: even if this was your intention, surely you’re aware that ‘b’day,’ pronounced aloud, sounds remarkably similar to the English word ‘bidet,’ which means a device that uses jets of water to clean your butt. These are found in the sorts of high-class hotels you’re used to staying in, I’m sure. Are you a fan? I’ve never tried them myself, but I’ve certainly heard things.

Keep me posted on Dreamgirls. Despite my misgivings about Bill Condon, I’m always curious to see big-budget musicals produced and distributed by Hollywood. Also, tell Solange I’m looking forward to Unknown Life!

Yours,